The Grief Process | Tasks of Grief
The Grief Process...
1. Numbness [Denial]. The body protects us from what is really happening. The experience does not seem real. We can go through the motions at the time of loss and sometimes through the time of the funeral as through we are spectators watching from a distance. This can be a stage of bargaining as well, telling God we will do or change anything if the person can be brought back. Over a period of time, reality is faced. It is important to talk about it , not to keep it at a distance with frantic activity, pills or alcohol.
2. Anger. May be directed at the doctor, nurses, ambulance people, anyone who could have saved the person, at innocent bystanders, God, ourselves, the person who died, the clergy person or even someone else who has not lost that particular relative or loved one.
3. Guilt. Guilt is anger turned toward ourselves. None of us is as kind, sensitive or thoughtful as we would like to be. We may feel bad about things we have said or done to hurt the person who has died. Since there is not time for apologies, we can be left with unfinished business. In the messy business of daily living, we do the best we can - and thank God for those who love us in our imperfections. Guilt can extend to our failure to see the future or to prevent the death. We can say a million times, "If only . . ." We can even feel guilty when we find ourselves having a good time or forgetting about our grief for a period of time.
4. Depression. A heavy pall hanging over everything. In our minds nothing will ever be all right again. Depression paralyzes us. The simplest and most ordinary jobs become almost impossible for us to do. Looking forward to tomorrow or anything is impossible. This is the most difficult and frightening stage. We need to strive to talk and to keep those who seem to withdraw from us involved in daily life.
5. Acceptance. The time emerges when we begin to believe we will make it through. That doesn't mean things will be the same as they were or that we won't miss the person any more, but it means things will be all right. We can talk about the loved one and remember them often, but we go on with life. We can find that our experience of loss can be very helpful to others facing similar losses. As we share their grief with them, we can find that contact healing for us as well.
The Tasks of Grief...
These are the tasks you must accomplish in order to work through your grief. It isn't always easy, and each person must accomplish these tasks in his or her own time. But each task must be accomplished in order for you to heal and move on with your life.
Task 1
You must accept the reality of your loss. You must talk about the loss until you accept it. The more you talk about it, the more you will realize that the loss is real -- that the person is really gone and will not come back.
Task 2
You must allow yourself to experience the pain of grief. In any loss, you must accept the painful reality and finality of the loss. If you don't, your grief will keep resurfacing throughout your life and interfere with a healthy emotional state of being. You have to feel the pain. You can't avoid the pain. It will hurt. You will feel awful. But this pain must be felt in order for you to work through the pain and heal. If you push the pain away and refuse to feel it, it will fester for years and affect your entire future.
Task 3
You must learn to adjust to an environment in which the loved one is missing. You have to return to places you went together. You have to spend time in your home without this person. You have to encounter each aspect of your life without that person. It will be hard. You will need to learn new skills and tasks in order to assume responsibility for your own life. You have to learn to function without the person at home and in your everyday life. In other words, you must keep going. You can't withdraw from the world.
Task 4
Finally, after you have grieved all you need to grieve, you have to begin to withdraw emotional energy that you are investing in your grieving and the focus you have on your loss, and invest it in new relationships (not necessarily of the opposite sex, and certainly not right away). If, after a reasonable amount of time, you constantly re-live your marriage, constantly go over "what I did wrong" and "what I should have done differently", and refuse to try to move on with your life, you are investing too much energy in your grieving. The support and encouragement of a loving family and a good support group is necessary in order to move on with your life. New friends and new interests are important. The time will come when you will have to get on with your life.
Acceptance and a determination to live your life fully will re-focus your energy
For more information on this web site and The Funeral Networks Line of Services, please contact us.
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